This week Mary Kate and I focused on the second phase of seeing. Together we made plans for my three conversations. It was extremely useful to have an individual who was knowledgable in the content area of dialogue. She helped prepare me for the experiences ahead.
My first conversation was with my fiance, Steve. I find that I so often do not listen. I vaguely hear what the other person is saying while prepping my rebutal. As Steve began to talk about finances (the bain of my existence!), I tried to let go of my personal agenda. I did not justify or make excuses for my spending. I simply tried to listen to my partner as the individual who I share so many life goals with. His outlook on spending and mine have made this always a volatile topic. I tried... I really tried... but he is just so unreasonable! I understand where he is coming from but his priorities in life are so very different than mine. I just could not let go. We eventually came to a compromise and parted amicably (only to meet again at the end of next month).
My model sharing conversation was with my manager, Nancy. I shared the models of conversation and explaned each field. We both took these notes and put them in our pockets on the back of the employee schedule, which is often utilized throughout the day. This served as a constant reminder of our dialogue goals. She left the shift earlier than me and I was unable to follow up with her progress.
My last conversation was with my brother. Mary Kate and I focused at length upon my focus of this particular dialogue. He and I have not been on good terms for a very long time. I do not understand his lifestyle choices and how one would actually choose the path that he is now on. He has been the source of many tears, shed by those I love, as well as myself. I wanted to have a conversation during which I sought to explore who he was as a person today. I tried to let go of my preconceived notions and past experiences. I attempted to focus on the moment and my goal of have a "real" conversation with my brother. For the most part, he explained his future goals rather than the present situation. Everything he said was driven by his egocentric view of his insular community. It was very difficult to keep my skepticism, disbelief, and anger from rising to the surface. I don't know how I tramped down the urge for sarcasm as he described his future utopia. I realized one thing about my brother through the "dialogue." He is entirely sincere on his future aspirations. He wants to be a good person but his admirable intentions lack follow through. I did not have a mass psychological breakthrough. The light bulb did not shine as I suddenly discovered a reason for his past actions but I have found comfort in this newfound enlightenment. For whatever his faults, he wishes he were otherwise and this is the future he envisions for himself.
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I feel your concerns about your brother. One of my conversations was with a friend who has some mental health issue, specifically surrounding men. It's a hard topic not to pass judgement on. Lately she has sought professional help though, and the signs that she sincerely wants to get better are all I needed to have (at least some of) my faith in her restored.
ReplyDeleteWhat I always end up asking myself though - and it sounds like you might put yourself in similar positions - is whether or not trying to help someone who you have preconceived judgements about is possible and/or productive. This girls comes to me for help and advice a lot and I find myself wanting to help more than anything in the world, but knowing deep down that I am not the right person. So instead of pausing during the conversation to actually ask myself whether I should be talking at all, I just keep talking and advising against my better judgement. With people in these tough situations, allowing for that silence, for their ideas to float out there for a bit, is starting to sound very important to me.