My first conversation was with my best friend, Jackie. I was in luck. She had a major story to tell me. I took it as my job in this exercise to attempt empathic listening. I attempted to move beyond my own boundaries and see her world as if it was my own. This was fairly easy as I have a pretty good idea of her general lifestyle and the individuals that she surrounds herself with. In this instance she was relaying a scenario with her new husband. Long story short, I attempted to suspend the judgements of what I believed their relationship was like. In this short time, I opened myself up to a marriage that I did not previously understand (as it is significantly different from my own). I thought about the kind of person Jackie was and how I, as she, respond to and show love. The needs and fufillments of them are unique to their relationship. It is not the same as mine. Mary Kate assurred me that I articulated my meaning well, but even now as I write it out, I feel that there is so much that is lost in translation. In this exercise I caught a glimpse of a different kind of love, not any less or more than what I have experienced, but unique and all its own. It was a very spiritual experience and I am so happy that I understand my best friend better. She truly does love her husband and he, her.
My option two conversation was a bit of a disaster. I have a very good friend named Erin. She is a couple years older than me but is already married with two children. I see her as my mentor in life. She is an amazing listener and gives me the advice or perspective that I sometimes do not wish to her. She is truly invaluable. I attempted to draw her into a deep conversation during which I might practice empathic listening. I thought I was doing a good job towards the beginning asking her about her future life goals. However, she was not in the philosophical kind of mood, I suppose. Her daughter started screaming in the background about five minutes in which distracted her entirely. What I did get from my friend, is an insight into her life. She is a wonderful mother and wife. All of her plans incorporate what is best for her family and she believes that if society focused on family life first, many of the issues that plague our nation would be solved. It is as simple as looking inward into the fundamental growth of our children. I do share this view and so perhaps that was why it was so easy for me to listen. Mary Kate agreed with Erin that that is a good place to start but we all can see that there are many changes that must take place in this nation. My coach urged me to engage my friend in dialogue more often so as to hear her views and good advice outside of my own problems. That is a wonderful suggestion and I will certainly do it more often in the future.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Week 8 Mary Kate Coaching Me
I began our conversation as I reflected on my presencing activity. I sat on my back porch upon the weathered deck and took a deep breath. It was very very difficult for me to push aside all my thoughts that crowd my ever racing mind. I sat Indian style on the hard wood and closed my eyes. I focused on sensing. So, I focused on my five senses. I saw the light creeping behind my eyelids, not allowing me to force the sun from invading my serenity. I heard the birds as they began to migrate back to the northern hemisphere, the turn of a car into a driveway, a dog bark in the distance, and the wind whistle softly past my ear. I felt the sun warm my face and the wind tickle my skin reminding me that it was still winter. I tasted the remnants of my afternoon snack upon my tongue. I touched nature and the outdoors, the essence of life and the world I lived in. I told Mary Kate about this spiritual connection with the world. It truly helped to center me in that I am NOT the center of the world.
I saw myself as small. Once this thought entered my mind, I could not let go of it. I felt unimportant and inconsequential. In retrospect, I realize that I am important and a piece of the puzzle of life, but then I could not grasp that concept. I am part of a community of people working together to live happy lives. It is my chosen contribution to society to teach valuable life skills to the youths so that they may take their place in the cooperative ecoclimate of the human race. I have also chosen to perpetuate our culture through procreation and mate selection. I wish to have a family, be a community member, and do my best towards actively contributing to the social efficiency of the world.
For part two, I had a conversation with my brother. I asked a lot of questions and remained silent while I tried to truly listen to what he was saying. I attempted to define what his highest future possibility was and how I could assist him in becoming that individual. I tried... I really did... and I was successful at time but all too often when attempting dialogue with him I am sucked into downloading and regress to phase one. I adopt politeness, do not say what I mean, act and think based upon past precedence, and make judgements. The best part about this course and this exploration into self as a whole is recognizing these thought processes as they occur. My coach is always so supportive and admiring of my admitting to my lack of forward movement. As I have previously stated, I am not yet ready to progress to the upper levels of conversation and dialogue but I do have goals and knowledge. These are invaluable tools as I continue to explore myself.
I saw myself as small. Once this thought entered my mind, I could not let go of it. I felt unimportant and inconsequential. In retrospect, I realize that I am important and a piece of the puzzle of life, but then I could not grasp that concept. I am part of a community of people working together to live happy lives. It is my chosen contribution to society to teach valuable life skills to the youths so that they may take their place in the cooperative ecoclimate of the human race. I have also chosen to perpetuate our culture through procreation and mate selection. I wish to have a family, be a community member, and do my best towards actively contributing to the social efficiency of the world.
For part two, I had a conversation with my brother. I asked a lot of questions and remained silent while I tried to truly listen to what he was saying. I attempted to define what his highest future possibility was and how I could assist him in becoming that individual. I tried... I really did... and I was successful at time but all too often when attempting dialogue with him I am sucked into downloading and regress to phase one. I adopt politeness, do not say what I mean, act and think based upon past precedence, and make judgements. The best part about this course and this exploration into self as a whole is recognizing these thought processes as they occur. My coach is always so supportive and admiring of my admitting to my lack of forward movement. As I have previously stated, I am not yet ready to progress to the upper levels of conversation and dialogue but I do have goals and knowledge. These are invaluable tools as I continue to explore myself.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Week 6 Mary Kate Coaching Me
Having just entered my mid-twenties, I believe that I have a pretty good sense of who I am. My personality and how I interact with people is fairly defined. I base a lot of my actions on past experiences and operate mostly within fields I and II. I attempted emphatically listen and practice suspension in several instances this week but I am again unable to fully master this skill. I shared my frustration with Mary Kate and admitted that I understand the concept and hope to reach it at some point in the future.
The biggest hurtle for me to jump is the concept of letting go of judgements. The fact is that we are taught to judge at a very young age. Upon doing a particularly naught task we are promptly informed, "Only bad little girls do that." Thus, an action lends a specific judgement. It is incredibly hard to reprogram a lifetime's worth of making judgements and having them made about you.
Unfortunately, I still need to experience some personal growth before I am able to fully embrace the concepts of these upper level fields. I am taking this course as a learning experience. I am trying to open up to recognize these places that I can perhaps reach in the future.
The biggest hurtle for me to jump is the concept of letting go of judgements. The fact is that we are taught to judge at a very young age. Upon doing a particularly naught task we are promptly informed, "Only bad little girls do that." Thus, an action lends a specific judgement. It is incredibly hard to reprogram a lifetime's worth of making judgements and having them made about you.
Unfortunately, I still need to experience some personal growth before I am able to fully embrace the concepts of these upper level fields. I am taking this course as a learning experience. I am trying to open up to recognize these places that I can perhaps reach in the future.
Week 6 Coaching Faheem
Faheem and I explored the art of marital conversation. His experience enacting suspenssion met with mixed reviews as we reflected on the results. He was having a conversation with his wife and made every effort to open himself up to her stnace on the subject (about their children) truly listening to what she had to say. In doing this, Faheem suppressed what he was feeling and did not say what he meant. We realized that in a sense he was coddling his wife, telling her what she wanted to hear and abandoning his true self in his shallow encouragement for her to continue with her talk. I challenged him to define the difference between suspension and politeness. Was he digressing into field 1? He believes that he was. The positives of suspension, we determined, are more fitted to the boardroom. In a marriage it is so difficult to have a dialogue with your spouse as you can not abandon your deep seeded emotions. He truly tried to see his wife's way of thinking but was driven into silence through the desire to avoid conflict.
Faheem has an amazing sense of who he is and how to engage in productive conversation. He is truly inspirational when it comes to his sense of self. He has connected with and understands the person that he is today and desires so much to reconnect with his wife as they struggle to redefine their marriage. I look forward to our next conversation as they continue their life journey.
Faheem has an amazing sense of who he is and how to engage in productive conversation. He is truly inspirational when it comes to his sense of self. He has connected with and understands the person that he is today and desires so much to reconnect with his wife as they struggle to redefine their marriage. I look forward to our next conversation as they continue their life journey.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Week 4 Coaching Faheem
Faheem drew upon his vast experience in humanistic therapy as we discussed Kantor's four fields. He is going to focus on being a bystander, honing his listening and observational techniques. Faheem's marital relationship is a constant place for his own dialogue growth. He seeks to open the lines of communication with his wife and they re-learn about the other. He is not uncomfortable listening but just needs to develop this skill further.
For conversation two, Faheem has been talking with a coffee shop acquaintance about starting a world cafe. He articulated the four fields of conversation and they are currently developing and discussing questions. He is now challenged as the expert and feels compelled to fully understand the concepts to act as a coach to this gentleman and others.
The third uncomfortable conversation relates to the first as Faheem attempts to reconnect the relationship with his wife. The role change has been difficult and he sees this as an opportunity to begin again. He concerned about her dependency on him and seeks to guide her towards independence. This is in direct contrast to the social climate of their country and Faheem must gently ease her into conversations without falling into the trap of politeness. He sees this as a challenge but has clear goals and means by which to attain them.
As Faheem and I deepended our relationship, I was more apt to chime in with questions and comments. It was wonderful conversing with him and getting a different insight upon the practical applications of the learning models. I realized through our exchange that I must let go of my own insecurities with the material. I simply may not be ready to progress through downloading to seeing at this point in my maturity and experience. However, I will have a working knowledge of the conceptual future goals for my own development.
For conversation two, Faheem has been talking with a coffee shop acquaintance about starting a world cafe. He articulated the four fields of conversation and they are currently developing and discussing questions. He is now challenged as the expert and feels compelled to fully understand the concepts to act as a coach to this gentleman and others.
The third uncomfortable conversation relates to the first as Faheem attempts to reconnect the relationship with his wife. The role change has been difficult and he sees this as an opportunity to begin again. He concerned about her dependency on him and seeks to guide her towards independence. This is in direct contrast to the social climate of their country and Faheem must gently ease her into conversations without falling into the trap of politeness. He sees this as a challenge but has clear goals and means by which to attain them.
As Faheem and I deepended our relationship, I was more apt to chime in with questions and comments. It was wonderful conversing with him and getting a different insight upon the practical applications of the learning models. I realized through our exchange that I must let go of my own insecurities with the material. I simply may not be ready to progress through downloading to seeing at this point in my maturity and experience. However, I will have a working knowledge of the conceptual future goals for my own development.
Week 3 Coaching Faheem
It is lovely getting to know Faheem this week. He has been so open and honest with his postings that we fell in to an easy flow of conversation.
As he reflected upon his past educational experiences, Faheem highlighted the postive aspects of his undergraduate education. He even said that he wished to return to that time (a sentiment that I share). There were a number of profound moments in our exchange but one when he stated that he had lost touch with himself over the last twenty years. He paused and returned that he really had never been in touch with himself. He cited the external focuses of his life as the barriers that opposed his own self discovery. So much was said in that brief moment of silence. It showed that Faheem was reflecting what he had just said, evaluated, and corrected the previous statement. He then justified it with specifics. I definitely saw this as an "Ah Ha!" moment.
I found during our initial interaction that I downloaded a great deal during the call. I find Faheem's level of intelligence and self awareness intimidating as I struggle along my own path. I will seek next time to delve more into the questioner and mover of the conversation.
As he reflected upon his past educational experiences, Faheem highlighted the postive aspects of his undergraduate education. He even said that he wished to return to that time (a sentiment that I share). There were a number of profound moments in our exchange but one when he stated that he had lost touch with himself over the last twenty years. He paused and returned that he really had never been in touch with himself. He cited the external focuses of his life as the barriers that opposed his own self discovery. So much was said in that brief moment of silence. It showed that Faheem was reflecting what he had just said, evaluated, and corrected the previous statement. He then justified it with specifics. I definitely saw this as an "Ah Ha!" moment.
I found during our initial interaction that I downloaded a great deal during the call. I find Faheem's level of intelligence and self awareness intimidating as I struggle along my own path. I will seek next time to delve more into the questioner and mover of the conversation.
Week 4 Mary Kate Coaching Me
This week Mary Kate and I focused on the second phase of seeing. Together we made plans for my three conversations. It was extremely useful to have an individual who was knowledgable in the content area of dialogue. She helped prepare me for the experiences ahead.
My first conversation was with my fiance, Steve. I find that I so often do not listen. I vaguely hear what the other person is saying while prepping my rebutal. As Steve began to talk about finances (the bain of my existence!), I tried to let go of my personal agenda. I did not justify or make excuses for my spending. I simply tried to listen to my partner as the individual who I share so many life goals with. His outlook on spending and mine have made this always a volatile topic. I tried... I really tried... but he is just so unreasonable! I understand where he is coming from but his priorities in life are so very different than mine. I just could not let go. We eventually came to a compromise and parted amicably (only to meet again at the end of next month).
My model sharing conversation was with my manager, Nancy. I shared the models of conversation and explaned each field. We both took these notes and put them in our pockets on the back of the employee schedule, which is often utilized throughout the day. This served as a constant reminder of our dialogue goals. She left the shift earlier than me and I was unable to follow up with her progress.
My last conversation was with my brother. Mary Kate and I focused at length upon my focus of this particular dialogue. He and I have not been on good terms for a very long time. I do not understand his lifestyle choices and how one would actually choose the path that he is now on. He has been the source of many tears, shed by those I love, as well as myself. I wanted to have a conversation during which I sought to explore who he was as a person today. I tried to let go of my preconceived notions and past experiences. I attempted to focus on the moment and my goal of have a "real" conversation with my brother. For the most part, he explained his future goals rather than the present situation. Everything he said was driven by his egocentric view of his insular community. It was very difficult to keep my skepticism, disbelief, and anger from rising to the surface. I don't know how I tramped down the urge for sarcasm as he described his future utopia. I realized one thing about my brother through the "dialogue." He is entirely sincere on his future aspirations. He wants to be a good person but his admirable intentions lack follow through. I did not have a mass psychological breakthrough. The light bulb did not shine as I suddenly discovered a reason for his past actions but I have found comfort in this newfound enlightenment. For whatever his faults, he wishes he were otherwise and this is the future he envisions for himself.
My first conversation was with my fiance, Steve. I find that I so often do not listen. I vaguely hear what the other person is saying while prepping my rebutal. As Steve began to talk about finances (the bain of my existence!), I tried to let go of my personal agenda. I did not justify or make excuses for my spending. I simply tried to listen to my partner as the individual who I share so many life goals with. His outlook on spending and mine have made this always a volatile topic. I tried... I really tried... but he is just so unreasonable! I understand where he is coming from but his priorities in life are so very different than mine. I just could not let go. We eventually came to a compromise and parted amicably (only to meet again at the end of next month).
My model sharing conversation was with my manager, Nancy. I shared the models of conversation and explaned each field. We both took these notes and put them in our pockets on the back of the employee schedule, which is often utilized throughout the day. This served as a constant reminder of our dialogue goals. She left the shift earlier than me and I was unable to follow up with her progress.
My last conversation was with my brother. Mary Kate and I focused at length upon my focus of this particular dialogue. He and I have not been on good terms for a very long time. I do not understand his lifestyle choices and how one would actually choose the path that he is now on. He has been the source of many tears, shed by those I love, as well as myself. I wanted to have a conversation during which I sought to explore who he was as a person today. I tried to let go of my preconceived notions and past experiences. I attempted to focus on the moment and my goal of have a "real" conversation with my brother. For the most part, he explained his future goals rather than the present situation. Everything he said was driven by his egocentric view of his insular community. It was very difficult to keep my skepticism, disbelief, and anger from rising to the surface. I don't know how I tramped down the urge for sarcasm as he described his future utopia. I realized one thing about my brother through the "dialogue." He is entirely sincere on his future aspirations. He wants to be a good person but his admirable intentions lack follow through. I did not have a mass psychological breakthrough. The light bulb did not shine as I suddenly discovered a reason for his past actions but I have found comfort in this newfound enlightenment. For whatever his faults, he wishes he were otherwise and this is the future he envisions for himself.
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